January 22nd, 2013 at 12:46PM
A better shot of Kaepernick with his giant tortoise. Well done, Colin. Now go get us that Superbowl!

A better shot of Kaepernick with his giant tortoise. Well done, Colin. Now go get us that Superbowl!

December 5th, 2012 at 8:14PM
Since he became the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, we’ve learned that Colin Kaepernick has a strong arm, religious tattoos, and parents who aren’t afraid to stand up for their son. Now, it’s been discovered that he also has an enormous pet turtle. While this may not be a puppy, it’s cute and cuddly like one, right? Kaepernick got Sammy the turtle when the quarterback was just 10 years old and could fit in his hand. Now, Kaepernick is 25 and the turtle weighs 115 pounds. Kaepernick feeds Sammy out of his hand. Sometimes, Sammy even steals Kaepernick’s helmet and volunteers to kick field goals in overtime against the Rams because GOD KNOWS DAVID AKERS CAN’T HIT ONE.  As my co-worker puts it, who owns a turtle? Hey Kaepernick, I think it’s time to get a puppy. Then, maybe you can help the 49ers beat the Rams.

Since he became the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, we’ve learned that Colin Kaepernick has a strong arm, religious tattoos, and parents who aren’t afraid to stand up for their son. Now, it’s been discovered that he also has an enormous pet turtle. While this may not be a puppy, it’s cute and cuddly like one, right?

Kaepernick got Sammy the turtle when the quarterback was just 10 years old and could fit in his hand. Now, Kaepernick is 25 and the turtle weighs 115 pounds. Kaepernick feeds Sammy out of his hand. Sometimes, Sammy even steals Kaepernick’s helmet and volunteers to kick field goals in overtime against the Rams because GOD KNOWS DAVID AKERS CAN’T HIT ONE. 

As my co-worker puts it, who owns a turtle? Hey Kaepernick, I think it’s time to get a puppy. Then, maybe you can help the 49ers beat the Rams.

November 30th, 2012 at 5:52PM
Clearly, it’s getting harder for me to find pictures of QBs and puppies. That being said, I think that stuffed animal is a puppy. It could also be a rabbit. Or a jackalope without antlers. Either way, Matt Ryan seems pretty stoked. He is also likely to be happy about the year that he is having with the Falcons, who have established themselves as one of the top teams in the NFL. This goes to prove my theory: Real quarterbacks have two first names. Tom Brady? Legend-waitforit-dary. Remember Jeff George? Baller. Or how about Otto Graham? Yeah, bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Clearly, it’s getting harder for me to find pictures of QBs and puppies. That being said, I think that stuffed animal is a puppy. It could also be a rabbit. Or a jackalope without antlers. Either way, Matt Ryan seems pretty stoked. He is also likely to be happy about the year that he is having with the Falcons, who have established themselves as one of the top teams in the NFL.

This goes to prove my theory: Real quarterbacks have two first names. Tom Brady? Legend-waitforit-dary. Remember Jeff George? Baller. Or how about Otto Graham? Yeah, bet you didn’t see that one coming.

November 28th, 2012 at 7:43PM
I realize that this is a KITTEN and not a puppy, but sometimes life throws you curveballs and you just need to deal with it. I mean, look at this priceless picture of Jay Cutler. The only thing that was missing from this photo was a cigarette in his mouth, but luckily I took care of that with my brilliant photo-shopping skills. For more awesome pictures of Jay Cutler smoking, check out this blog: http://smokinjaycutler.tumblr.com/ This picture brings up so many questions. Why did Jay Cutler wear that terrible sweater for this photo? Who decided that the laser beam background was appropriate? Is that even really his kitten or is this some kind of pet food commercial? And finally, can Jay Cutler make any face that doesn’t make him look like a complete and utter douchebag? Since the Bears can’t seem to win a game without him, I imagine that most Chicago-ans overlook his douchiness. 

I realize that this is a KITTEN and not a puppy, but sometimes life throws you curveballs and you just need to deal with it. I mean, look at this priceless picture of Jay Cutler. The only thing that was missing from this photo was a cigarette in his mouth, but luckily I took care of that with my brilliant photo-shopping skills. For more awesome pictures of Jay Cutler smoking, check out this blog: http://smokinjaycutler.tumblr.com/

This picture brings up so many questions. Why did Jay Cutler wear that terrible sweater for this photo? Who decided that the laser beam background was appropriate? Is that even really his kitten or is this some kind of pet food commercial? And finally, can Jay Cutler make any face that doesn’t make him look like a complete and utter douchebag? Since the Bears can’t seem to win a game without him, I imagine that most Chicago-ans overlook his douchiness. 

November 26th, 2012 at 7:35PM
Here’s the funny thing. I was going to put up this photo of Chad Henne right after the photo of Ryan Tannehill’s wife to note that Henne used to be the quarterback for the Dolphins before Tannehill took his job. And then Henne did the unthinkable… He actually became the quarterback for another NFL team: The Jacksonville Jaguars. While this may not be the most coveted job in the world, he is still way better than Blaine Gabbart. And somehow he managed to win a game for the Jaguars. So here’s to you Chad Henne. Well played good sir.

Here’s the funny thing. I was going to put up this photo of Chad Henne right after the photo of Ryan Tannehill’s wife to note that Henne used to be the quarterback for the Dolphins before Tannehill took his job. And then Henne did the unthinkable… He actually became the quarterback for another NFL team: The Jacksonville Jaguars. While this may not be the most coveted job in the world, he is still way better than Blaine Gabbart. And somehow he managed to win a game for the Jaguars. So here’s to you Chad Henne. Well played good sir.

November 21st, 2012 at 1:36PM
When I think of Dan “Constantine” Marino (yes that is his real middle name), I can’t help but remember his most epic performance of all-time: playing himself in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Even though he may never have won a Super Bowl, at least he has that movie on his resume. Not to mention this amazing picture of him. Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like Dan Marino by a swimming pool with a puppy.

When I think of Dan “Constantine” Marino (yes that is his real middle name), I can’t help but remember his most epic performance of all-time: playing himself in Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Even though he may never have won a Super Bowl, at least he has that movie on his resume. Not to mention this amazing picture of him. Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like Dan Marino by a swimming pool with a puppy.

November 20th, 2012 at 4:21PM
Today at my work’s potluck luncheon, we got around to discussing the wondrous individual that is JaMarcus Russell. Just another one of the Raiders’ awesome draft picks. Clearly, this photo does not include a puppy, but let’s just pretend that that purple creature is some kind of magical puppy that provides Purple Drank. For those of you who don’t know, “Purple Drank” is a slang term for a recreational drug popular in the hip hop community in the southern United States, originating in Houston, Texas. Its main ingredient is prescription-strength cough syrup containing codeine and promethazine.  Cough syrup is typically mixed with ingredients such as Sprite soft drink or Mountain Dew and pieces of Jolly Rancher candy. The purplish hue of purple drank comes from dyes in the cough syrup. There are numerous slang terms for purple drank, including sizzurp, lean, syrup, drank, barre, purple jelly, Texas tea, and Tsikuni. JaMarcus Russell had a serious problem consuming Purple Drank, which partially explains him being an enormous bust of a #1 draft pick. Thank God the Raiders spent all those draft picks grabbing Carson Palmer. Oh wait, they still suck. Glad to be a Niners fan.

Today at my work’s potluck luncheon, we got around to discussing the wondrous individual that is JaMarcus Russell. Just another one of the Raiders’ awesome draft picks. Clearly, this photo does not include a puppy, but let’s just pretend that that purple creature is some kind of magical puppy that provides Purple Drank.

For those of you who don’t know, “Purple Drank” is a slang term for a recreational drug popular in the hip hop community in the southern United States, originating in Houston, Texas. Its main ingredient is prescription-strength cough syrup containing codeine and promethazine.  Cough syrup is typically mixed with ingredients such as Sprite soft drink or Mountain Dew and pieces of Jolly Rancher candy. The purplish hue of purple drank comes from dyes in the cough syrup. There are numerous slang terms for purple drank, including sizzurp, lean, syrup, drank, barre, purple jelly, Texas tea, and Tsikuni.

JaMarcus Russell had a serious problem consuming Purple Drank, which partially explains him being an enormous bust of a #1 draft pick. Thank God the Raiders spent all those draft picks grabbing Carson Palmer. Oh wait, they still suck. Glad to be a Niners fan.

November 19th, 2012 at 2:42PM
Here’s a nice throwback picture of one Terry Bradshaw. He appears to be interviewing a puppy in this photo. Probably his finest piece of journalism to date. For those of you not in the know, Terry Paxton Bradshaw is a former American football quarterback with the Pittsburgh Steelers in the National Football League. He is currently a TV analyst and co-host of Fox NFL Sunday. Mr. Bradshaw recently caused a bit of a stir during the Fox halftime show a few weeks ago. Here is a brief snippet of the story: While describing Miami Dolphins running back Reggie Bush’s remarkable 18-yard touchdown run against the Indianapolis Colts, a play where Bush made half the Colts defense look completely silly, Bradshaw took a shot at his colleague, former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson. “Look at this, Jimmy,” said Bradshaw, “like he was chasing that bucket of chicken that the wind was blowing the other day.” Because Bush is African-American, many have jumped to the conclusion that the mention of a bucket of chicken means there was a racial element to Bradshaw’s comment. In the video, Fox studio host Curt Menefee, who is African-American, audibly groans and asks, “What are we going to do with him?” On Monday morning, Menefee took to Twitter to say that Bradshaw’s comment was actually an inside joke at Fox, where Johnson’s love of fried chicken has apparently reached a mythical status, and that this whole affair is much ado about nothing.  Clearly, Bradshaw should just stick to interviewing puppies.

Here’s a nice throwback picture of one Terry Bradshaw. He appears to be interviewing a puppy in this photo. Probably his finest piece of journalism to date. For those of you not in the know, Terry Paxton Bradshaw is a former American football quarterback with the Pittsburgh Steelers in the National Football League. He is currently a TV analyst and co-host of Fox NFL Sunday. Mr. Bradshaw recently caused a bit of a stir during the Fox halftime show a few weeks ago. Here is a brief snippet of the story:

While describing Miami Dolphins running back Reggie Bush’s remarkable 18-yard touchdown run against the Indianapolis Colts, a play where Bush made half the Colts defense look completely silly, Bradshaw took a shot at his colleague, former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson.

“Look at this, Jimmy,” said Bradshaw, “like he was chasing that bucket of chicken that the wind was blowing the other day.”

Because Bush is African-American, many have jumped to the conclusion that the mention of a bucket of chicken means there was a racial element to Bradshaw’s comment. In the video, Fox studio host Curt Menefee, who is African-American, audibly groans and asks, “What are we going to do with him?”

On Monday morning, Menefee took to Twitter to say that Bradshaw’s comment was actually an inside joke at Fox, where Johnson’s love of fried chicken has apparently reached a mythical status, and that this whole affair is much ado about nothing. 

Clearly, Bradshaw should just stick to interviewing puppies.

November 16th, 2012 at 12:36PM
I know, I know. This is NOT a quarterback. However, she IS married to a quarterback; namely, one Ryan Tannehill. Yes damnit, Ryan Tannehill is an NFL quarterback. He plays for the Miami Dolphins. Yes damnit, the Dolphins are an NFL team. Sheesh.  Anyway, back to Lauren Tannehill since clearly no one cars about Ryan Tannehill. Mrs. Tannehill is arguably the hottest QB wife in the NFL. Lauren Tannehill was introduced into the national conversation on April 26 at the 2012 NFL Draft, when Ryan was selected eighth overall by the Dolphins. She was the one in the stunning red dress. Twitter’s response was fast and furious: In the 10 minutes after Ryan was drafted, 800 tweets were sent. About his wife. She humbly describes recent events as “very surreal.” The Tannehills were wed Jan. 13 in Mexico. At his introductory press conference in south Florida, a reporter asked Ryan about being married young. (He’s 24, she’ll be 25 next month.) Ryan replied by pointing to his wife and said, “Can you blame me?” No, Ryan. I cannot blame you. I also cannot blame you for getting her that puppy. If she was my wife, I would give her however many puppies she wants.

I know, I know. This is NOT a quarterback. However, she IS married to a quarterback; namely, one Ryan Tannehill. Yes damnit, Ryan Tannehill is an NFL quarterback. He plays for the Miami Dolphins. Yes damnit, the Dolphins are an NFL team. Sheesh. 

Anyway, back to Lauren Tannehill since clearly no one cars about Ryan Tannehill. Mrs. Tannehill is arguably the hottest QB wife in the NFL. Lauren Tannehill was introduced into the national conversation on April 26 at the 2012 NFL Draft, when Ryan was selected eighth overall by the Dolphins. She was the one in the stunning red dress.

Twitter’s response was fast and furious: In the 10 minutes after Ryan was drafted, 800 tweets were sent. About his wife. She humbly describes recent events as “very surreal.”

The Tannehills were wed Jan. 13 in Mexico. At his introductory press conference in south Florida, a reporter asked Ryan about being married young. (He’s 24, she’ll be 25 next month.) Ryan replied by pointing to his wife and said, “Can you blame me?”

No, Ryan. I cannot blame you. I also cannot blame you for getting her that puppy. If she was my wife, I would give her however many puppies she wants.

November 15th, 2012 at 1:01PM
This is the caption that came with this photo of Matthew Stafford: “A small group of family and friends laid to rest Uga VII in a corner of Sanford Stadium on Saturday morning, adding his name to the line of University of Georgia mascots who came before.  Uga VII died of a heart attack at just 4 years old. His owner said he showed no signs he was sick and even passed a recent veterinary exam. Uga’s death was so sudden that I am sure it shocks the whole Georgia community.” I find it hilarious that this dog’s name was Uga, because that dog is UgLY.  U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you UGLY. Yes, that was a reference to a hilarious scene from the 1986 movie “Wildcats” with Goldie Hawn. Here is a link to that amazing scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoXORtIibwQ More importantly, let’s get back to Matthew Stafford. He doesn’t look like he would make a good quarterback, but he is actually pretty good. Better last year, but OK this year. I am just glad I have never had him on any of my fantasy football teams, because he is so fragile. In fact, I’m quite sure he sprained something just posing for this picture. Also, his coach is kind of an asshole. I am glad Jim Harbaugh made him look like a little bitch on national TV last year.

This is the caption that came with this photo of Matthew Stafford:

“A small group of family and friends laid to rest Uga VII in a corner of Sanford Stadium on Saturday morning, adding his name to the line of University of Georgia mascots who came before.  Uga VII died of a heart attack at just 4 years old. His owner said he showed no signs he was sick and even passed a recent veterinary exam. Uga’s death was so sudden that I am sure it shocks the whole Georgia community.”

I find it hilarious that this dog’s name was Uga, because that dog is UgLY.  U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you UGLY. Yes, that was a reference to a hilarious scene from the 1986 movie “Wildcats” with Goldie Hawn. Here is a link to that amazing scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoXORtIibwQ

More importantly, let’s get back to Matthew Stafford. He doesn’t look like he would make a good quarterback, but he is actually pretty good. Better last year, but OK this year. I am just glad I have never had him on any of my fantasy football teams, because he is so fragile. In fact, I’m quite sure he sprained something just posing for this picture. Also, his coach is kind of an asshole. I am glad Jim Harbaugh made him look like a little bitch on national TV last year.